


(and i'd be smart to walk away) but you're quicksand

by dessertmeltdown



Category: One Direction
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cheating, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-11 06:11:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1169635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessertmeltdown/pseuds/dessertmeltdown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam and Louis have this thing.  They hate each other until they don't anymore, and then everything gets complicated.  </p><p>or: Liam knows this thing between himself and Louis can't keep happening, especially once they've both found themselves happily in relationships.  It's just that there's something about Louis he can't seem to make himself give up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(and i'd be smart to walk away) but you're quicksand

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Rach (blackmustache) for the Britpicking and for reading this as I wrote it and keeping me going, thanks to Elissa (lissa_bear) for the beta, and thanks to Miranda for a last minute read through when I was still questioning myself.
> 
> This is canon based to a point and then diverges a bit. The timeline goes a bit crazy at times. I apologize. The title is from the song "Treacherous" by Taylor Swift, which I've always thought of as sort of an unofficial theme song as I was writing.
> 
> This isn't real as far as I know. I don't make any claims that it is.
> 
> Fanmix here: http://8tracks.com/batgirled/this-slope-is-treacherous

Liam wants to change his mind almost as soon as they meet at the coffee shop. It's a long while before anyone even speaks more than introductions, and when they do it's stilted and awkward. Well, Liam is stilted and awkward. Harry and Niall don't seem to have any trouble finding things to talk about, and Louis is making rude designs out of sugar that he's poured from the packets. Liam doesn't really think he belongs here. 

“Zayn's not coming,” Harry says. “He says he had some family thing or something.”

“But it's our first meeting,” Liam says. He should have known it would be like this. He had anticipated that the others might not take it as seriously as himself, but he never guessed any of them would miss the first band meeting. “We need to figure out a name and how to dress. We don't even know if we can sing together.”

“Calm down, Leeyum!” Louis grins, patting him on the shoulder. Liam cringes a little at the overpronunciation of his name and pulls back out of Louis' touch. Louis shrugs him off. “It's the first meeting. I'm sure Zayn has a good reason -”

“This isn't a joke, though.” Liam frowns. “This could be our futures. If he's not taking it seriously, maybe we shouldn't let him in.”

“I don't think it works that way, mate. I think this is an all or nothing gig.” Louis pours sugar onto Liam's head. “Loosen up.”

Niall and Harry share a look as Liam shakes his head to get rid of the offensive powder. “Stop making a joke of this. We're meant to be discussing our band.”

Louis blinks. “Right, then. What shall we wear boys?” He grins at Harry and Niall, turning his attention completely from Liam. His eyes crinkle when he smiles, and briefly Liam thinks he wants to do something, anything, to wipe that smile from Louis’ face. The truth is, he doesn't have the heart and he just sighs and listens to Niall say they should dress like Louis because of his shoes. Liam nods in agreement even though he thinks Louis' shoes (Louis' everything, really) are stupid.

The conversation fades into what shirts they should wear and how Liam's jeans are nice (Liam doesn't really think his jeans are that nice, and he suspects Harry is just being kind), and no one mentions Zayn not showing up or being kicked out of the band again. Liam tries really hard to avoid giving his opinion on anything, since his opinions don't ever seem to be the popular ones. 

He's really not sure he's done the right thing.

+

For the first few days at the bungalow, Liam manages to completely avoid being alone with Louis. It's nice for a while. Louis is distracted by bonding over comics with Zayn and touching Harry a lot. Liam barely registers with Louis and that's really fine with him. Except on day four, Louis seems to take notice.

Liam is up long before everyone else. He's always up before everyone else. He gets that they're trying to be friends before they start working non-stop, but he has to feel productive. He gets out of bed and sneaks into the lounge with a note book. He jots down some song ideas and quietly sings to himself, writing down arrangement ideas. Somewhere in the back of his mind he's afraid they're going to hate all of his ideas, most people do, but he wants to do this right. All he's ever wanted was to do this for a living – the factory is a back up plan, but it's not one he really wants for himself.

He's humming Justin Timberlake under his breath when he feels someone press their palms into his shoulders. “Hey.” Liam jumps at the voice, soft and sleepy as it sounds, and pulls away from the person's touch. When he turns around he sees Louis looking at him, wide eyed, teeth chewing at his bottom lip. “Sorry. I just – I couldn't sleep either.” Louis is quieter than Liam is used to, and it throws him a little. “I heard you singing.” He picks up the notebook and glances at it. “These are go--”

Liam snatches the notebook away from him and holds it to his chest, though he's not really sure why. They're ideas he has for the band, so Louis has every right to look at them. He just feels like they're his is all. “I'm still working on them,” he mumbles, closing the notebook and sitting it on the table.

“Right.” Louis nods. “I was just going to go get breakfast up the street. Come or don't, I guess it's up to you.” There's an edge to Louis' voice that Liam isn't used to, but that's par for the course with everything that Louis embodies, really, and Liam isn't sure he'll ever understand him.

Liam briefly wonders if he's being too hard on Louis. Louis is loud and picks at people. He's not organized, and he doesn't always take everything seriously. He's everything Liam isn't, and Liam just doesn't get it. Maybe he should try though, and maybe he should give Louis a break. There's another part of his brain though, a meaner part, that says that if Louis wanted people to be more understanding of him he could be quieter, more serious, and he could stop picking on people for laughs. 

“I'm going to stay here and keep working,” he says, instead of just giving in this once and agreeing to go with Louis. “You go. Have fun.” Liam takes his notebook and slinks out back so he doesn't have to see the angry or hurt or surprised look on Louis' face. He wishes he were better at this – at living with other boys his own age. He's going to have to make it work, get along with Louis more, or at least stop openly disapproving of him. What if they make it all the way to the end and combust because Liam is constantly coming to blows with Louis?

He sits with his feet dangled in the pool and sighs. He can't think about that right now. He's getting ahead of himself and he knows it. He flips to a back page and jots down some notes – he just has to focus on being the best he can be and the rest will either happen or it won't. If they're shit then none of it matters anyway.

+

“I think One Direction,” Harry says one day while they're sitting out by the pool. “It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think? Five lads, one direction!” He flails his hands around erratically and everyone else laughs.

“You're a genius, mate.” Louis grins and plants a sloppy kiss onto his cheek, and Liam thinks about how the public will view that kind of thing. It's that quality that he thinks is off-putting to the other lads because he's constantly thinking about what the public will think.

Can they hug? Can they causally touch? Will they lose the public vote if they show too much affection? Will the girls want them to seem available and the parents want them to seem wholesome? Is a boy touching a boy inherently not-wholesome? Liam wishes he could turn that part of his brain off, the part that thinks too much and puts too much stock in what other people say.

Honestly, does it matter if Harry and Louis want to hold hands in the grand scheme of things? Not really, not to Liam. But it might matter to other people and that's what worries him.

“Leeeeyuuum.” Louis thumps his head and then pinches his nipple. Liam jumps back and yelps. “What the hell, Louis!?”

“We're voting, mate. You need to say yay or nay,” Zayn is staring at him, open and curious. “Where did you go just then?”

“He's probably thinking about how to arrange some song we don't even know we're going to perform yet.” Liam can't tell if Louis is amused or if there's a hint of animosity in his tone. He tries really hard not to think about it anymore.

“Sorry, I just – what are we voting on?” Liam shakes his head. “One Direction, right? I like it. It's nice.”

Harry beams. “Great then! We have a name, lads!”

Liam tries not to get lost as they move on to what they're going to wear when they go back. He even contributes some, despite himself.

+

On their last night at the bungalow they make a fire outback and sit around it just chatting. Liam is still a little awkward but he's had good conversations with Zayn and with Niall and Harry. It's mostly with Louis that he still isn't really finding a vibe yet, but they've gotten better at just avoiding each other rather than being openly hostile. 

Not that Louis is _hostile_ towards him exactly. That's probably more coming from Liam's side of it. It's just that Liam can't tell if Louis is constantly making fun of him, pinching him, biting him, and slapping him because he thinks it's funny or because he just hates Liam that much. Either way it makes Liam uncomfortable.

Liam is settled next to Zayn, leaning in a little closer. They had a rough patch at the beginning when Liam wasn't really sure whether or not Zayn was serious, but after one late night chat by the fire, they were closer than Liam was with anyone else. Harry and Louis are snuggled together on the other side of the fire, whispering in each other's ears, while Niall strums his guitar and sings Jason Mraz under his breath. 

Everything else aside, Liam could get used to it. It's nice to have a group of lads around who want this as much as he does, who understand why he takes music and performing so seriously. He loves his friends back home, owes a lot to Andy for helping him through a lot of fights when he was younger, but he likes having people who know why he'd rather sit in and listen to radio 1 than go out – well, Louis doesn't get that, but Liam doesn't much get Louis either.

“I can't believe we're getting to do this,” Harry says. “It's going to be great, right? We're going to be great.”

“We already are great.” Niall grins. “Now it's time for everyone else to see.”

Liam wants to say that they don't know that, that they've barely sang together, don't know if it's going to work with the band and the dancers and the crowds, and that they could fall flat on their faces at the judges houses and not get any further.

Liam's already felt that rejection once, and he doesn't want to again. He doesn't want the rest of them to know what it feels like to know you've made it and then have that ripped away. Maybe that's why he's so obsessed with perfection. 

But they all look so happy, so sedate and relaxed, and he can't bring himself to break that for them. Instead of doing what he'd normally do and being practical and scared, he just smiles at them and nods. “We're going to do this. We're going to be great.”

+

Liam is nervous. He's not sure they're ready for the first live show, not remotely. The other guys had been energized by seeing the small crowd for them outside the studio. They were excited at the idea of having fans, but in Liam's mind it's just more people that they're potentially going to let down.

Liam paces in the dressing room, running his part quietly as he walks from wall to wall.

“You're making me dizzy, mate. Please sit down.” Zayn tugs on his hand until he falls onto the sofa next to him.

“Sorry,” Liam mumbles, resting dejectedly next to him.

Louis runs into the room and jumps into Liam's lap, poking his face. “Cheer up, Payno! We're on stage in ten minutes! We're going to be brilliant, and we're going to smash it, and we're going to _win_.”

“It's only the first week,” Liam mumbles, wiggling out from under Louis. “We're not going to win.”

“Negativity, I'll have none of it!” Louis jumps on him again and ruffles his hair. “You need to work on your attitude.”

“You need to stop touching me so much.” Liam pushes him off and stands, leaning back against the wall. “I'm nervous.”

Louis shrugs and leans against Zayn. “You're too uptight. One of these days I'm going to help you remove the stick from your - “

“Louis!” Liam yelps. “I do not have a – I can't deal with this right now. Can you just … be somewhere else?” He pushes off the wall. He misses having a way to vent his frustration. Back at home when people were giving him a hard time he learned how to box. It was always nice after a long, frustrating week to go into the gym and pummel a bag or get into the ring with someone. He doesn't have many other ways to deal, aside from music, and thanks to Louis Tomlinson music is the _source_ of most of his frustration these days.

He could hit Louis around the head, but he's thinking that probably wouldn't go over too well with the producers or the show's demographic. Maybe he could punch a wall. Popstars do that sometimes. He could just claim he was drunk, if only he hadn't repeatedly said he didn't drink.

Niall pops his head in and takes a breath. He looks from Liam to Louis and Zayn who are whispering excitedly at each other. “Five minutes!” Niall pops back out.

Liam takes a deep breath and nods. “Right then. Lets do this. Hopefully we won't fall flat on our faces, right?”

“Way to be positive.” Louis rolls his eyes. “You should be a motivational speaker, really.” He bumps Liam in a way that could only be purposeful and calculated and pushes out of the room. 

“Go easy on him, mate.” Zayn smiles sadly. “He's not as confident as you think he is.”

“Please. Louis has enough self confidence for the five of us and then some. If his head were any bigger we wouldn't be able to fit it on stage.”

Zayn laughs sadly and pats his back. “The two of you really need to have a talk sometime that doesn't involve hurling insults.” 

Liam doesn't really know what Zayn means, so he just shrugs and follows him. They're pushed out on stage and he takes a deep breath before the music starts.

They make it past the first show. They keep making it week after week, and Liam couldn't be happier.

+

They're half way through the series, and every week it feels like they have more and more people to impress. There are more girls outside the studios, more screams coming from the crowd, more of everything, and sometimes Liam almost forgets that this is what he wanted.

They just finished filming this week's video diary, and Liam is just a bit done. Not done, not really, but he's tired. He's tired and he's anxious, and Louis seems to take everything less seriously every week. He knows it's not really a big deal. The fans absolutely love the video diaries, and it's nice to be able to shout out to them every week.

He just wishes they could get through one without Louis pretending to sleep or wearing a bin on his head.

The others are going out for lunch, but Liam just wants to take a nap and be on his own for a bit. He just needs to be away from everyone – away from _Louis_.

He finds a spare dressing room and slips inside, going over to the sofa and lying down. He just needs a break. He's almost out when he hears the door click open. He's hoping it's not someone important enough to ask him to leave.

He feels someone squeeze in behind him and sighs. There's really only one person it could be. He knows all of the lads well enough now to know that it's Louis. He can't fathom what Louis could possibly want, and he doesn't really want to ask. He just needs a _break_.

The thing, the absolutely worst part, is that he doesn't really hate Louis, not anymore. He's willing to admit that he just doesn't get Louis and he's realizing that that's okay. They don't have to get along or be friends. It's like any job Liam would have, and he doesn't have to like his co-workers. He doesn't _have_ to like Louis.

“I know you're awake, Payno.” He feels Louis dig a finger into his back. “You can't fool me that easily.”

“I need a nap.” He presses his face into the back of the couch. “Some of us don't think the video diaries are an appropriate time for that sort of thing.”

“You need to _relax_.” Louis presses his hands into Liam's muscles, and Liam can't deny that it feels good. He can feel Louis' breath on his neck. That doesn't feel half bad, either. Liam doesn't pull away or say anything else. It seems pointless anyway, and telling Louis to go away will just push him to be more annoying and louder. Louis is much easier to take when he's quiet. “I'm tired too,” Louis finally says. “This is okay, right?” There's uncertainty in Louis' voice, and that's not something Liam hears often. It's a vulnerability he's not used to from Louis, and he can't push him away.

“Yeah, this okay.” He feels Louis relax against him, and his breathing evens out. Zayn keeps telling him that Louis isn't how Liam thinks, and Liam rarely sees proof that that's true. Right now, though, he wonders. Because Louis is quiet and soft and relaxed against him. He knows that Louis is awake; he can feel Louis dragging a finger over his spine and it feels really nice.

He flashes back to the video diary. There was a moment when they were talking about first kisses that he could feel Louis' hands on the side of his head, and it went by really quickly, but he could swear that Louis was pretending to kiss the back of his head. He must be remembering it wrong though. Or Louis was just taking the piss; that was a far more likely scenario than anything else, and Liam really just needs to stop _thinking_ so damn much.

He feels Louis press even closer and hums. “Go to sleep.” Liam can feel Louis speak against his neck.

“Sleep,” he says, and then hums. It's not long before he's drifting off.

+

The next couple of weeks go a little bit better. Liam tries a lot harder to get along with Louis, to understand him. He still doesn't see what Zayn sees most of the time, but every once in a while Louis will just _sit_ with him. He won't pull his hair or pinch his nipples or make fun of him. Those are his favorite times with Louis, even if they only happen when no one else is around.

Most of the time, though, Louis is still loud and obnoxious and Liam just can't reconcile the Louis he sees and the Louis everyone else sees. He laughs his way through the eighth video diary, but Louis is extra annoying this time, and Liam's gone back to wanting to slap him.

Maybe he's just tired and cranky and misses his family. Two more performances is all they need before they can go back home to visit, unless they get kicked off before then, and Liam is getting more and more scared after Aiden and Cher. Louis being loud with his tea and his salt in the beanie gag are just too much.

He stomps off after the camera cuts. He just needs to go get a breather. Zayn follows after him and catches up. “Hey, Liam, wait up!” He falls into step with him. “He wasn't that bad today.”

“No, he wasn't,” Liam sighs, because he's trying so hard to not be so irritated with Louis because he wants this to work. “I just need to get some air.” 

Zayn nods. “I get that. Want to grab some lunch?” Zayn bumps his elbow against Liam's arm. “The others were talking about Nando's?”

“Alright,” he says. “Alright. We have to be back in an hour though. We need to work a lot on this week's performance.”

“Yeah yeah, workaholic.” Zayn snorts, laying his arm over Liam's shoulders and leading him back to the others.

Louis and Harry are huddled together whispering and Niall is attempting to do some sort of weird stunt in front of them. Liam doesn't want to know. “If you break your leg we'll get sent off for sure,” he says.

“Payno! Are you actually coming to lunch with us today?” Niall claps his hand on Liam's back. “Nando's is calling.” 

Louis whispers something into Harry's ear and jumps on Niall's back. “Lead the way!” He holds his arms tight around Niall's neck and grins at Liam, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “Come on then.”

Lunch is really nice, and Louis is only minorly annoying. Liam is squished between Niall and Harry, which is sort of ridiculous considering they keep reaching over him to steal from each other's plates. Well, Harry keeps stealing from Niall's, which Liam can't figure out since Niall is getting increasingly more annoyed by the second. 

Zayn is whispering and laughing with Louis and Liam is instantly curious as to what they're laughing about. Zayn is really fond of Louis and Liam keeps trying to see Louis the way Zayn does. He likes Zayn. Zayn is calming but knows when to have fun. He's not as mysterious as the cameras make him out to be at all. 

Niall pokes his ribs. “You think too much.” He rests his chin on Liam's shoulder and whispers. “Also, you're staring at Tommo. It's sort of creepy, mate.”

Liam gapes at him. “What!? I'm not staring!” 

“Staring, glaring, same difference.” Niall smiles. “He's not as crazy as he acts, you know. He just doesn't know how else to be in front of the cameras.”

“I don't understand why everyone sees that besides me.” Liam knows that's not true, not really. They had that one encounter, but nothing before and nothing sinse. “I mean, I guess I do know. We just don't get along, probably never will. 's okay though. We manage.”

Niall smiles sadly. “Not everyone's meant to, I guess.” He looks like he wants to press the issue further, and Liam's really glad that he doesn't.

They finish up and head back to rehearsals. They have vocal training first and then dancing. Louis is goofier than usual on stage, which would be fine if they weren't on such a tight schedule. Liam is doing his best to ignore it until Louis does a cartwheel (if you can call it that) across the stage and nearly knocks Liam over.

Liam jumps back and scowls. “Could you please be serious for two minutes?” He just wants to get this _right_. “We don't have much time to get it right, and Aiden and Cher - “

“Oh calm down, we've got this!” Louis does a hand stand and topples back and then jumps back onto his feet. “You still need to lighten up!” He reaches out and pulls on Liam's hair.

Liam slaps his hand away and pulls back. “I am so _done_ , Louis. We need to work, and you need to take it seriously. Do you even want to be here?”

“What kind of ridiculous question is that?” He looks completely taken aback that Liam would even ask that. “Just because I like to have a bit of fun when my job is literally dancing around and being on stage all day - “

“If that's all you think this is - “ Liam is so _angry_. “Maybe you've got somewhere to go from here, but this is it for me, and if we lose because you don't take it seriously enough - “

“If we lose it'll be because you are a stuck up, pompous, _boring_ \- “

“Lou,” Zayn frowns, tugging on his arm.

“No, Zayn, he needs to hear this.”

“No, you've said enough.” Liam turns around and storms off stage. Rebecca and Matt are just off, and Liam feels embarrassed and angry that they did that in front of other people on the show – in front of older, more mature people, who have their shit together. He wants to have a cry. He wants his _mum_ for the first time since he got here. 

They all know how he feels about being the boring one. Sensible is just another word for that, and he's not stupid enough not to realize that. He locks himself in the toilets and sits back against the door.

It's not long before he hears a tap on the door and expects to hear one of the lads, but he hears a soft, female voice on the other side. “Liam?” He recognizes the voice as Danielle. She's a dancer on the show and she's gorgeous. “I saw you come in here. Can you unlock the door?” 

Liam stands and opens the door. He hopes his face looks as unaffected as he tries to make it because Danielle is gorgeous and way too cool for him. She's not boring or sensible at all. “Did you need the toilets?”

“The men's toilets?” She laughs quietly, and Liam has never heard anything so soothing in his life. “No, I wanted to check you were okay. What he said was way out of line.”

“Yeah, well. Maybe he was right.” Liam shrugs. “Anyway, I guess I sort of started it.”

“You need a break. Let me buy you a coffee.” She wraps her slender fingers around his wrist, and Liam probably hasn't ever felt anything so nice. “You could use some, I reckon.”

“Yeah, okay,” he says, because he doesn't know how to tell her no.

He sees Louis and Zayn round the corner. Louis looks like he wants to say something, but then he glances down at Danielle's fingers around Liam's hand and just looks back up at Liam's face, anger in his eyes. Liam looks away quickly. “Come on. Let's go.” 

Danielle turns out to be funny and charming, and she likes all of the stories Liam tells that Louis says are boring. They make a date for Saturday night after the show and Liam is happy for now.

+

Louis shows up to the next video diary in a shirt and tie with glasses, and Liam knows what's coming. Louis starts talking about being more serious and putting on a silly voice, and Liam knows that Louis is making fun of him.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care because Danielle is funny and gorgeous and she _likes_ him. He doesn't even care when Louis takes off his button down to reveal _Liam's_ superman shirt.

He just. Doesn't. Care.

He keeps telling himself he doesn't care between reminding himself to laugh and smile and respond at the appropriate times.

They finish filming and he runs out quickly. It's becoming a habit for him to leave right after the video diary. He doesn't want to and he feels bad about it. He feels bad because Zayn, Harry, and Niall are his best friends, but Louis is there reminding him how boring and terrible he is.

“Liam, wait!” Usually he would be prepared for one of them to come running after him, but it's not Harry or Zayn this time. It isn't Niall.

It's Louis, still wearing his ridiculous glasses with his hair sticking up every which way. “Let me explain.”

“Oh, you're going to explain? It's okay, I get it. I asked you to be more serious and this is the result. I won't ask again. I don't understand you, and I never will I - “

And then Louis' hands are balled up in his shirt and Louis' lips are pressed against his own, and it's much too long before he realizes that they're in the middle of the hallway and he pulls back. “What are you doing!?”

“I just - “ 

“It's not funny, Louis. Stop trying to embarrass me.” Liam feels _awful_. “That's not - “

“I'm not trying to be funny! You're so serious all the fucking time! I don't know how to deal with that and I don't know how to be that, but you're also - “

“I have a lunch date with Danielle.” He's dazed and he doesn't know what to say. Louis _kissed_ him, and he can't process that at all. Louis hates him, thinks he's boring. Louis is everything Liam isn't, and Liam can't understand him, can't understand _this_. “I have to go. I have to - “

“Liam, wait.” Louis sound desperate, but Liam pretends that it's all in his head and he keeps walking. He can't talk to Louis without being confused and lost; there's no way he can deal with this.

+

Liam manages to avoid being alone with Louis at all costs until after they find out they're not in the top two. Harry and Niall have slinked off together, huddled together backstage somewhere. Zayn went to call his mum and Liam is waiting in the back for Danielle. Louis finds him first.

“Hey, so.” Liam jumps back against the wall at the sounds of his voice. “I'm sorry. About the whole, you know, thing.” Louis leans back against him. “I know you have Danielle, and I guess I sort of - “ He shrugs.

“You thought that kissing me was the way to go?” Liam tries not to sound so angry. It's not that he's disgusted or anything by Louis kissing him. He's just angry that Louis is messing him about all the time. “It wasn't funny.”

“It wasn't meant to be _funny_. It was meant to be – I just wanted to.” Louis looks so rejected. “I just wanted to.”

“Well, _don't_.” Liam says. “It's not – you can't make fun of me for months and then kiss me because you feel bad. It's not okay. Besides I've got Danielle now.” Liam _likes_ Danielle.

“Oh, yeah.” Louis is quiet. “I didn't mean what I said that day, though. You're not boring, and I know you're all sensible or whatever, but it's like – it's fair enough. You want this and you're really good. You deserve it. I figure I'm just lucky to be here, and I wanted to have fun because who knows what'll happen to me, but the rest of you will have careers.”

Liam blinks. “Don't be ridicuclous. We're all going to – this isn't the end. We agreed, Louis. We're going to stay a band.”

“Yeah, but what if we don't get signed? What if - “

“No, stop. We're going to be a band.” He can't believe he's hearing this from _Louis_. Crazy, confident, louder than everyone in the whole room Louis. “W're going to get signed and everyone's going to love us.” Liam's not sure he believes that, but he reckons Louis needs to hear it and he's sensible enough to know that sometimes you need to tell people what they need to hear. “We're not leaving you behind.”

And it's that moment that he realizes that it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand Louis. Louis is still his friend – his _brother_. They're in this together, and that's the important thing.

“Okay.” Louis drops his gaze. “Kissing you wasn't a joke. It was just – you _hate_ me. I know you do, and I'm sorry because I've sort of not done anything to make you feel like you shouldn't.”

“I have Danielle now,” he says again because he doesn’t know how else to respond. “I like her.”

“That's good.” Louis nods. “We should go find the others.” Louis pushes back from the wall and walks off. Liam isn't sure what the pull in his stomach is when he watches Louis walk away. That kiss was nothing. It was just – it was stupid, and he likes Danielle. He's just emotional right now. That's all.

+

They get signed anyway, and everything gets really out of control really fast. They start _touring_ , and that in itself is almost too much to handle. It's only The X Factor tour, but Liam keeps reminding himself that this is only the beginning, that some day it will be _their_ tour, with their own crew and their own bus. It's almost too much for him sometimes.

They've been out on the road for almost a month and it's not so bad. He's heard a lot of the others talk about how hard it is to be away from home and their families or friends or significant others, but Liam almost feels like his family is with him. He's got the guys, and that's a lot. Plus, he and Danielle are still dating. 

Dating is a little misleading because they don't actually leave the venues very often. It's nice though, to have her here and know she likes _him_ , that it's not a trick. She's not confusing like Louis and she doesn't throw him off kilter like Louis. She's nice and she's pretty and being with her is easy.

“Payno!” Louis comes into the green room and falls into his lap, ignoring Danielle a few inches away. He smacks an elaborate and wet kiss to Liam's face, something that Liam's gotten used to. They haven't talked about the other kiss, the _real_ kiss. Liam's thankful for it because he doesn't know what he would begin to say.

Danielle laughs and leans over, kisses Liam on the cheek. “I'll leave you boys alone. I have rehearsal.” Liam watches as she walks out of the room, wondering how he managed to get a girl like her to even like him – she's gorgeous and talented and _cool_. 

Louis pinches Liam's nipple and twists. Liam would jump out of his seat, but Louis is still in his lap so instead he flails and pushes in his hands to Louis' chest. “What was that for!?”

“You weren't paying attention to me. You know I hate that.” Louis honest-to-God _pouts_ , and Liam tries to push that kiss out of his mind again. He doesn't know why he even thinks about it so often. It was barely a kiss and it was months ago and Louis probably hasn't thought about it since. Besides, he _has_ a girlfriend. “You're thinking too loud. Stop that.” Louis pokes him in the eye.

“Ow.” Liam pushes at him. “Why don't you go and bother Harry instead. He likes it when you touch him inappropriately.”

“ _Because_ he likes it when I touch him inappropriately. Do you know me at all?” Louis grins. “Besides, you're better to look at.” Liam isn't entirely sure that's true, but he just shrugs and rests his hands on Louis' knees, which are comfortably on either side of him. 

It should be awkward. It feels strangely intimate for something that Louis is doing to fuck with him. Liam feels bad even thinking it. Danielle is _in_ the venue. She just walked out of the room, and he shouldn't even be thinking of Louis as more than his friend and bandmate. Louis _isn't_ more than a bandmate. Never was, never will be. Just because there was one - 

“Hey.” Louis breaks into Liam's thoughts. “Seriously. What are you _thinking_ in there?” Louis looks at him with concern and Liam almost can't handle it. He can't handle Louis looking at him like he _cares_ that much. Louis' hands are on top of his before he realizes that he's been gripping into Louis' thighs. “Liam?”

Liam doesn't know what he's thinking when he leans in and kisses Louis full on the lips. It's a press of his mouth to Louis', and he lets everything he _should_ be thinking about go: the band, Danielle, the public's opinion, everything. It's just him and Louis, Liam's eyes closed tight, hands on Louis' thighs, lips on Louis'. Louis stiffens for a second but then relaxes into it, and Liam feels his hand rest on the back his neck. It feels nice, cool to the touch where his skin has gone hot. 

Louis parts his lips first, coaxing Liam's mouth open with the tip of his tongue. Liam knows this is _wrong_ , somewhere inside he knows he should stop it, but Louis is warm and solid and so very _Louis_ and he can't bring himself to do it. He lets Louis in. Louis is good at this; he's deliberate and practiced and Liam can feel his skin heating up.

Liam slides one of his hands up Louis' thigh, resting it just where his leg meets his hip. He's never wanted anything quite so badly before. He can remember his first time with Danielle, fumbling and awkward and unpracticed; this doesn't feel like that at all.

Louis slides his hand to the front of Liam's jeans and tugs at the zipper. He pauses, presumably waiting for a go ahead from Liam. Liam can't find his voice so he just nods and ducks in to kiss Louis again, squeezing his thigh. The second Louis' hand is around him, Liam lets out a strangled sound, desperate and nervous and turned out. “Lou …”

Louis kisses him in lieu of saying anything and strokes him, slow and easy, twisting his wrist in a steady rhythm. Liam knows he should reciprocate but he also can't really think. He can't really breathe or do anything at all because Louis’ hand is on his cock and it feels like nothing he's ever felt before. Louis circles his thumb around the head of Liam's cock and then hums. Liam takes a deep breath and puts his hand on top of Louis'. He has every intention of stopping him but he doesn't. He stroke his thumb over the back of Louis' hand and lets go, resting his hand on Louis' hip and squeezing.

This makes Louis speed up his motions. He bites his lip in concentration, and Liam can't – can't think _again_. Everything goes sort of fuzzy except for Louis' mouth and his eyes. Everything goes silent except for the sound of Louis' breathing. “Lou, I – fuck.” Liam lets his head fall back, his neck bared to Louis, and then Louis' mouth is on his neck. He knows he should stop him from kissing his skin, from stopping to suck a little mark there, but he wants to look at it later and know Louis was there. He isn't thinking about anything else. He lets out a strangled breath and comes, messy into Louis' hand, and he feels Louis laugh against his neck, happy and loose before he pulls his hand up to examine it. It probably shouldn't be hot, but it is. It really is, and Liam puts his hand around the back of Louis' neck and kisses him, desperate and needy.

He pushes his hand into Louis' jogging bottoms and wraps it around Louis' cock. He feels Louis shudder, hears Louis make a strangled noise against his mouth. Liam works his hand over Louis fast and maybe not as gently as he could, but all he cares about is making Louis feel the way he made Liam feel. He grips the back of Louis' neck and pulls back from the kiss, holding his forehead to Louis'. He wants to say something – say _anything_ , but he loses any ability for words. Louis' lips are red and his cheeks are flushed and his eyes wide. He whimpers. “Liam, Li.” Liam hears his strangled cry before he comes, hot and messy into Liam's hand. Liam almost whines at the loss of Louis' cock in his hand, but instead he just pulls his hand out and wipes it onto Louis' trousers.

They sit there, breathing heavily, foreheads pressed together, not speaking, and it feels _hot_. It feels like nothing Liam can accurately describe. He lets himself enjoy the afterglow.

They sit like that for a while before Louis clears his throat. “I should – we have soundcheck.”

Liam nods, and before he can kiss Louis again Louis is up and halfway out the door. Liam sighs and straightens out his clothes. Later when he's lying with Danielle he'll feel awful, and when she kisses him he'll want to tell her everything (but he won't). Later he'll avoid Louis and try to pretend like it didn't happen, and maybe he'll even succeed. 

Now he has to get himself cleaned up and go to work and pretend that it didn't happen.

+

The thing with Louis keeps happening for the last few weeks of the tour. Every time Liam tells himself that it's going to be the last time, but it never is. His life becomes one big lie to Danielle. When they're together it's nice. She's pretty and sweet and he cares for her. It's always there, on the tip of his tongue, a confession of his wrong-doings. But then he doesn't want to hurt her, at least that's what he keeps telling himself--that the lying is all for her benefit and not his own.

So every time he says it's going to be the last time and it feels like it is until he's alone with Louis again. Then it's all lips and hands and Louis' stupid, mischievous smile. It's Louis' hands on his cock and Louis' tongue dragging over his skin. It's the way that Louis' hair feels between his fingers.

When the tour ends and they all go their separate ways it's easy for him to push Louis from his mind and focus on Danielle. At least that's what he tells himself. He doesn't think about Louis when he kisses her. Her hair feels different in his hands. It's longer and not as soft. Her lips feel different on his; she kisses him softer, slower and with more purpose. Louis is sloppy and enthusiastic. Her hands are softer, her legs longer. 

Danielle doesn't like to fuck – it's different with her. Everything with Louis is frenzied and desperate, but Liam can take his time with Danielle. She likes to _make love_ , and it's not worse, but it's not better either. It's different, and Liam can convince himself when they're alone that _this_ is what matters – that he needs her and whatever happens with Louis is just a mistake, as repetitive as it happens to be.

When he's with Danielle he can almost forget the way Louis feels against him and the way Louis makes him feel.

Almost.

+

They go to LA to film a music video and Liam's mind is running in circles around everything that his life has become. He's got four best friends (although sometimes he's not sure if he should consider Louis in that category: Louis is complicated), an amazing girlfriend, and he's making music for a living.

They're all hanging out in one hotel room until it’s time to go to bed, though Liam suspects they might all pass out before they split up. Zayn and Niall are huddled over Niall's computer laughing about something and Harry's texting someone back home. Liam suddenly feels the heavy weight of Louis' head on this thigh and when he looks down Louis is grinning up at him. “We're in LA.”

“We are,” Liam nods. Sometimes he still doesn't understand how to act around Louis. Especially right now when all he really wants to do is bend down and kiss the stupid grin off of Louis' stupid face.

“Do - “ Louis bites his lip and sits up. “I think Zayn's occupied for a bit, if you want to go across the hall.” 

Liam tries to tell himself this isn't a proposition – that Louis just wants to hang out. If he pretends for long enough, then he won't feel guilty when he says, “yeah, yes. That sounds good.”

Louis tugs on Liam's hand until they're safely across the hall and then he presses his back to the wall and pulls Liam securely against his body. It's never really been premeditated before; everything with them always feels rushed and improvised, but this is new and different. There's intent here, and Liam tries to tell himself to stop, but then Louis is kissing his jaw and craning his neck up to catch Liam in a kiss.

It's not frantic or frenzied. It's just a kiss; it's a nice, solid kiss like he and Louis have never shared. He rests his hands against Louis' hips and pushes him back flat against the wall and feels Louis shiver against him.

It's never been slow and easy before. It's never been like this with Louis. They kiss for a bit longer and then Liam pulls Louis back from the wall and pushes him gently to the bed. When they fuck, it's with purpose. It's not rushed and frantic but slow and easy, and Liam can't help but press his fingers into every inch of Louis' skin.

When they finish Louis doesn't rush out of the room, and Liam doesn't get a phone call that takes him out of the moment. They fall asleep there, curled together, and it makes Liam feel more confused about Louis than he ever has. It's not supposed to be like this. This throws off all of his rationalization of the situation with Louis; it makes going home and not telling Danielle that much harder. 

When he wakes up the next morning, he's not alone. Louis is still sleeping soundly on the other side of the bed. He looks soft and gorgeous, and Liam thinks for the first time that he's completely fucked.

+

Liam isn't _avoiding_ Louis. They still hang out when everyone is there, but he's definitely avoiding being alone with Louis which is completely distinct by his logic. They're back at the bungalow which seemed like a great idea at the time, but the tension between himself and Louis seems more obvious when the five of them are just hanging out without plans or a busy work schedule. 

It's late one night, and Liam's gone down to make a cup of tea. He doesn't really want it, but he wants to keep busy. He needs to do something with his hands. He turns to get a cup from the cupboard and Louis is leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed in front of him. “Lou. Oh, hey.”

“Hey, stranger.” He smiles, but it's laced with venom, and Liam doesn't like it. “You're avoiding me.”

“A little,” because Liam can't lie to Louis, whether he wants to or not, and he won't insult Louis by pretending that's not true.

“You've been weird since LA.” Louis pushes back from the door and steps into the kitchen. He looks tired. “Is this because of what happened?”

“It wasn't the first time we've had sex,” Liam says in lieu of an actual answer. Because it's not about the sex, not this time.

“No, but it's the first time we've slept together _after_ the sex.” Louis walks up against Liam, crowding him against the counter. “We can pretend it never happened if you want. I just want you to stop looking at me like I killed your dog.” Louis looks probably more distraught than Liam's ever seen and it makes him want to kiss the look off of Louis' face. He doesn't, though.

“I'm not - “ he sighs. “I'm sorry.”

“Good, so stop avoiding me Liam. I won't stand for it.” He pauses. “It never happened, okay? That thing in LA – it never happened. Just forget it, poof. It's gone.” He nods. “It didn't mean anything anyway, right? We were jetlagged and tired, so naturally a bit of shagging put us both to sleep before we could bother moving.”

Liam feels a punch to the gut. “Right, yeah.” That's not what it was, not for him, but maybe it was for Louis and he's been freaking out over nothing. 

“Good.” Louis pushes back. “I'm going to bed. Stop avoiding me, okay?” Louis disappears before Liam can say anything else. 

It probably shouldn't hurt that what happened is a throw away for Louis, but it does. Liam tries to push it all to the back of his mind and busies himself making toast to go with his tea.

+

They're all sitting by the fire a few nights later. Louis is across from Liam, and even though Liam isn't avoiding him anymore, they're still not going out of their way to hang out. It's fine when everyone is there, but Liam is afraid if it's just them Louis is going to know how messed up about everything he really is.

“What's wrong here?” Niall breaks into Liam's thoughts by elbowing him in the side. “You and Lou have barely spoken in like, well, in weeks, actually.” Usually Liam is amused that Niall doesn't understand tact, but right now he wishes Niall would just leave it.

“Nothing. You know how we are. I probably didn't laugh at one of his pranks or something.”

“Because Leeyum has no valid sense of humor.” Louis smiles and throws a bottle cap across the fire to hit Niall in the shoulder. “If he did he would see the genius of my comedy.”

Liam shrugs his shoulder and checks his phone. Danielle hasn't replied back from a text from earlier and he tells himself that it's just because she's busy. She _is_ busy. She's got a career and a life away from him, which is part of the reason why he fell in love with her. 

When he looks back up everyone is staring at him with wide eyes, and he's worried that Louis has said something about their habit of falling into bed naked, but then Louis looks at him challengingly. 

Liam missed the entire exchange though so he dumbly says, “What?”

“See, this is what I mean. Our Liam is as daft as they come. He just doesn't fucking get it. He doesn't get anything. He's boring and dumb. I'm going to bed.” Louis stomps off, knocking his chair to the ground as he goes. Liam feels another punch to the gut, something he's getting used to where Louis is concerned. Louis has called him boring before in fits of anger, but never dumb.

Everyone is staring at Liam, waiting for him to say something, or maybe for him to go after Louis, but he doesn't want to give Louis the satisfaction of getting his way _or_ knowing that he's upset Liam. “I'm just going to go to bed. I'm tired.” 

He steps inside and goes right past the sofa where Louis has set up camp. He goes into his bed room and closes the door quietly instead of slamming it as he'd really like to. He just sits on the bed.

It's not long before Zayn comes in without knocking. “Are you going to tell me what's wrong, mate?” He sits next to Liam. “Because you and Lou have been acting really weird, weirder than normal, and if this is something that's going to effect the band, we should know.”

“It's got nothing to do with the band.” Liam doesn't want to talk about this, especially not with someone in the band.

“I'm not daft, Liam.” Zayn looks fierce and Liam isn't really used to that being directed at him. “You know you're one of my best mates. Don't make a big deal of it. I can see when something's bothering you, and something is definitely bothering you.”

“I can't tell you. It's not my place, and it also doesn't make me look like that great of a person.”

“So?” Zayn bumps his shoulder. Liam doesn't say anything. “Okay, well, if you change your mind you know where to find me.” Zayn stands, defeated looking, and Liam feels more guilty than he ever has about all of this – lying to Zayn, lying to his friends, that's worse than anything. Especially since if this thing with Louis implodes it could affect their careers.

Zayn leaves him alone and Liam gets into bed. He tosses his phone across the room so that he can't hear it if it buzzes. He doesn't want to deal with anyone right now. 

He finally gets to sleep, but it's not much later when he feels the bed dip beside him and that wakes him up. When he rolls over Louis is lying on the bed watching him. 

“I'm sorry.” Liam can't ignore the way Louis' speech is slurred and the way his eyes are a little glassy and red. “Shouldn't have called you daft. You're not daft.” Liam is about to tell him it's okay – Liam can't stay mad at Louis for shit, but Louis closes his eyes and starts snoring. Liam sighs and pulls the blankets up over him and then goes back to sleep.

He'll worry in the morning.

+

Liam finds out about Eleanor by accident. He's just poking around on twitter. Louis hasn't said anything, not to him anyway, and she hasn't been out with them. He's just scrolling down his feed and there are all of these pictures of Louis and Eleanor together.

Liam knows he has no right to feel his stomach drop out. He has no right to wonder why Louis didn't _tell_ him. He has a girlfriend. Danielle is in the other room now, making tea. Danielle is gorgeous and funny and _his_. 

Louis isn't his, never was. Liam is the one who told him that it had to stop happening. So Louis photographed hand in hand with some pretty girl with big eyes and a bright smile shouldn't bother him. It shouldn't make him feel sick and twisted up.

Liam tells himself it's not Louis or Eleanor or anything that's happened. He tells himself he's eaten a bad meal or he's coming down with something. It must be that. He closes twitter and shuts off the computer and tries to get Louis' smile out of his head.

+

Liam promises himself that despite the fact that Danielle isn't going to be there, this tour will be different. Danielle was with him on the X-Factor tour and he couldn't stop himself from messing around with Louis. Louis has a girlfriend now, though, and Liam's gotten a lot better at just letting it happen when Louis pokes at him. Not that it happens all that often when the cameras aren't on these days. They're great at acting like nothing's going on behind the scenes, to the point that Liam thinks they've probably fooled even the other guys.

It's a day off, and they're in a nice hotel. Sometimes Liam still can't get used to being in such nice places, even though he _lives_ in a nice place. It's raining, and even if it weren't he doesn't really feel like going out. Harry and Niall had come to ask him to go shopping earlier, but it seems like a stay inside watching movies sort of day more than anything. He thinks Zayn went with them, but he can't be sure. He wasn't really paying attention.

There's a tap on the door, and he assumes it will be Paul or Josh or someone, but when he opens it to find Louis he's almost shocked. They very rarely spend time alone together anymore. It's just easier that way. It makes for less temptation, less struggle.

“I brought _Iron Man_.” Louis holds up the dvd case with a small, tight smile. Liam wants to say _no_ because he knows this can't lead anywhere good, but he misses Louis; he even misses Louis picking at him and making him uncomfortable on purpose.

He steps aside so Louis can come in, and Louis drops the dvd down on the table as he collapses back onto the bed. “I have a confession, Payno.” He sighs dramatically when Liam doesn't respond. “You're supposed to ask me what it is.”

Liam reluctantly sits down on the edge of the bed. “What's your confession?”

Louis pushes up onto his elbows. Liam definitely _doesn't_ think that he really wants to push Louis back down onto the bed and take all of his clothes off. “My confession is.” He pauses dramatically. “I'm Iron Man.” He laughs at his own joke. Liam gets the distinct feeling that Louis was going to say something else, but he doesn't push it, just forces out a laugh to match Louis' own.

“You're so strange,” Liam says. “You're the strangest mate I've ever had.”

“Am I?” Louis hums. “Not strange, that's a compliment, to be honest. “I mean am I your mate? Because ever since ...whatever, ever since then it seems like I'm not really your mate.”

“You're my mate.” Liam has no idea where this is going to go. He's not sure he wants to know where this is going to go. Maybe they'll decide everything was a mistake, and Liam doesn't really want that. Maybe they'll push each other until they do everything again, until they keep going in the same circles over and over again, like they haven't learned from their mistakes. Liam isn't entirely sure that he doesn't want that to happen. 

He knows he's not done with whatever this is with Louis. Maybe he's not done. Honestly, he doesn't know.

“Then stop being so weird.” Louis pushes up so that he's fully sitting, facing Liam. “This is all stupid. I want to kiss you. I know you want to kiss me, so just fucking _do it_.” Louis looks so _fierce_ and sure that this is what he wants. Liam can't ignore it when he looks like that, and he just pushes in and kisses Louis.

It's so different now. It's sure and steady. They've done so much together, and they've spent a lot of time denying this. Liam _loves_ Danielle, and he tells himself that this is nothing. That this thing with Louis is just a thing that sometimes happens, and he can have this and her. He pushes Louis back onto the bed and slides his hand up Louis' shirt. It feels so _good_ to be touching him again. Liam _missed_ this.

“Eager.” Louis grins, nipping at Liam's bottom lip. 

Later, Louis has his head rested on Liam's chest, fingers playing idly with Liam's hand, and Liam thinks he could _stay_ this way. He wonders if Louis ever thinks that, if Louis ever wonders what it would be like if they just gave in to everything and admitted this was more than just random hook ups on tour. Liam doesn't want to ask. He's afraid of the answer he would get.

“We didn't watch the movie,” Louis says, grinning. “Oops.”

“We can watch Iron Man any time.” Liam closes his eyes. “Think I need a nap.” 

“Naps are for losers.” Louis says, but he yawns and it devolves into a soft laugh. Somewhere on the other side of the room a phone rings. “Oh.” Louis pushes up. “I have to get that.” He leans over the edge of the bed and finds his trousers. Liam watches him answer the phone, smiling softly. “Hey, babe.” Louis smiles in a way Liam hasn't seen in a long time, and he thinks, I can _do_ this. 

Liam shifts up and rests his hand on Louis' back, but Louis pulls away and shakes his head. “No, I'm just hanging with Liam.” There's a pause while Louis listens to the other end. “I can always get away for you.” He slips into his trousers and waves half-heartedly at Liam. Liam gets it. It's Eleanor on the phone, and he can't complain that she comes first. Louis mouths 'later' and tugs his shirt on as he walks out of the room.

Liam calls Danielle and tells her he misses her and he loves her, but something inside feels broken and raw and tells him that he's lying. He doesn't miss her. He loves her, but not in the same way he –

No. He isn't going to go down that road. He can't.

+

They're touring _America_. It's not their own tour, but they all still feel the weight of it. British bands have a hard time crashing this market, and Liam knows that a lot of their future could weigh heavy on how well they're taken in by an American audience. He's buzzing with nervous energy at every show, and it doesn't help that he's avoiding Louis more than ever.

Getting interrupted by a phone call from Eleanor was like a wake up call. Louis is out with Zayn, anyway, so that's good. It's _good_. He settles into the lounge area of the bus and checks his messages. There's a couple from his mum that he sends quick replies to and one from Ruth. Danielle hasn't texted back in a few days, but she's gotten extremely busy as well so he never blames her. 

How could he blame her for anything when he's done the things he's done? He has no delusions that this thing with Louis is anything but horribly wrong. 

He texts Danielle and then pockets his phone. Sometimes he just wants to tell her everything, come clean and hope that she forgives him for all that he's done. Maybe if she _knows_ and he can talk everything through with her everything will just stop. Maybe he can move on from this thing.

The only thing is that he knows that's not true. He knows, without much thinking, that this thing with Louis isn't going to go away. 

Maybe he should just break up with Danielle. In his wildest dreams, he breaks up with Danielle and Louis follows suit, leaves Eleanor and they're _together_ in a very real way, with hand holding and secret smiles and _dates_. 

He knows that's never going to happen.

Louis and Zayn come stumbling in, twin smiles on their faces, laughing about something that Liam could never possibly understand, probably. Louis drapes himself over Liam's lap and grins up at him. He smells like booze and something sickeningly sweet that Liam doesn't quite place.

“Leeyummmmm.” Louis laughs again and pokes his face and then twists his nipple. Liam jolts and slaps his hand away, which only makes Louis laugh harder.

His laugh is infectious and Liam can't help but join along, even if he doesn't quite get the joke. It's easier to laugh with Louis than it is to _kiss_ that stupid laugh out of him. Zayn is staring, and Liam can feel the awkwardness slip in. 

“Right, well.” Zayn clears his throat. “I'm gonna go call mum.” He ducks out of the lounge as quickly as he came in and Liam sucks in a breath. He's been avoiding Louis for a _reason_.

“You've been avoiding me, Payno.” Louis sounds sober now, and Liam wants to smack him. He planned this, the asshole. “Don't do that.” His voice is soft and gentle, and Liam hates it. He hates it more than he hates the clenching feeling in his chest.

“I'm not avoiding you.” Liam knows he's never been less convincing, but he has to try. He doesn't want to go down this road.

“We're in America.” Louis says, like it's an explanation for the way he's splayed over Liam's lap, for the way he presses his hand to Liam's hip underneath his t-shirt. “We can do whatever we want in America, Liam. It's a rule.”

Liam breathes, shaky and nervous. “I don't think that's a rule.”

“It is.” Louis shifts, sitting up on Liam's thighs, with his legs resting on either side of him. “I just made it up.”

“Eleanor, Danielle. We can't – I can't -” The words get lost in his throat. Thinking them is one thing, but he can't _say_ it. 

“We _can_.” Louis ducks in and kisses the corner of Liam's mouth. Liam closes his eyes and concentrates on breathing. “We can.” He kisses the other side of Liam's mouth and then pushes in to kiss Liam for real. Liam stiffens before relaxing into it. Kissing Louis is like nothing else, and it takes everything in Liam's power to rest his hands on Louis' shoulders and push him back. 

“No. I – no.” He sighs. “I'm done. This is – this is done.”

Louis goes stiff against him, and Liam can't bring himself to open his eyes, can imagine the cold look that Louis is giving him and can't bear to see it. “Fine.” He rolls off of Liam and steps back. “Fine, if you don't want me anymore that's fine, Payno. It was just fun anyway, right? A bit of tour nonsense. I'm going to call El.” Liam listens to his footsteps as Louis walks away.

Liam convinces himself that Louis meant what he said – that Liam was just a bit of fun, a bit of messing around with a mate on tour – it makes it easier to convince himself that everything is okay, that Louis isn't hurt. It makes it easier to be _angry_ that Louis always has the upper hand.

+

They debut at _number 1_ in the United States, and they all feel the heavy weight of how huge that is. Everything starts to happen so fast. They do Saturday Night Live, for fucks sake, and it's a whole new game all of the sudden. It's always been in intense, but Liam never calms down anymore. It's a constant state of nervous excitement, and there's nowhere to channel the energy, especially now that Louis is doing just as good of a job at ignoring him as he's been doing ignoring Louis.

They're going to _Australia_ , and Liam has always _always_ wanted to go there. He's got all of these plans for things to see and do, and he tries not to feel a tug of sadness when he thinks about what Louis would say about his plans if they were still speaking.

Louis comes up to him and sits down beside him. “So I, uhm.” He shrugs a little. “Sorry?” The apology is so completely Louis that Liam almost laughs out loud, but he's also too stunned to really say anything. “I mean for being so me about – well, about everything. I'm sorry.”

Liam frowns because Louis is just apologizing for being Louis and that's, well, there's something about that that Liam finds wrong and sad. “Don't – uhm. It's okay. I get it. I miss you. I mean – I miss your – youness. Not us just – you, as a friend. And I keep thinking, like, I want to go bungee jumping and surfing and do all of this stuff in Australia, but they're things I think I need to do with you, so.”

“So, friends?” Louis grins a little.

“Yeah, friends.” Liam smiles back and it leaves this weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. This feeling of nervousness and excitement. Liam tries not to think about it too much. He's just glad they're finally not fighting anymore.

+

The first thing Liam wants to do in Australia is learn how to surf. He's _always_ wanted to learn how to surf. He asks the others if anyone wants to go, and the only person who jumps at the chance is Louis. He's sort of okay with that for reasons he'd like to pretend aren't true. It's _nice_ , is the thing, doing something just the two of them that doesn't require lying to his girlfriend.

He bounces on the balls of his feet as they walk out into the water. It's gorgeous here, and the weather is perfect. He can't believe he's doing this.

Afterwards, they sit on the beach, security a few feet away, keeping back a small crowd of fans. Usually Liam would fight to be allowed to meet some fans and take pictures, but right now he just needs a moment. The rush of surfing in Australia, of doing it with _Louis_ , it's all too much almost. Louis is next to him, resting back on his palms and glancing out at the water. 

He wants to reach out and touch Louis’ back. He thinks maybe he could, maybe no one would think anything of it; as a band they tend to be in each other’s space more often than not. It would mean too much though, and he knows that. They’re just friends now, and though friends can touch, he’s not sure that’s something he can do with Louis and have it stop there. He doesn’t touch Louis’ back, but he does reach a hand out and poke his arm. It’s enough contact that he feels the smallest bit of warmth deep in his belly, which he promptly ignores. “Come on. Let’s go say hi.” He stands and waits for Louis to follow suit, leaving anything else he wants to say hidden away.

+

Things are okay for a long time. They manage to find a balance. Liam doesn't know if that's because they're okay now, or because they're never alone. He gets his answer somewhere in California.

They've been touring America on their own tour, and it's constantly amazing. Liam still can't believe he gets to wake up every day in a different city and sings his own songs to a different crowd. They come off stage and Harry calls first shower. Zayn ducks away because he has a girlfriend now, and he ducks away a lot. Liam is sometimes jealous that it's never been that way for himself and Danielle. They don't have that _need_ to say goodnight. 

They never have, and Liam wonders what that really means.

Louis comes rushing into the dressing room and slams the door behind him. “Help me, Liam!” He laughs a little and holds up Niall's phone. “I'm going to text that bird he's been talking to and tell her he's got a funny a bum.”

Liam laughs because Louis' pranks are much funnier when they're not aimed at him. He goes over and leans against the door with Louis while Louis taps out a message on Niall’s phone. Niall starts pounding on it, pleading with Louis to give his phone back. Louis leans into Liam and laughs into his shoulder, typing into his phone. 

“Want it back!?” Louis ducks down and slips his phone under the door. “All yours!” He slides down to the floor, body shaking with giggles.

Liam slides down next to him and laughs with him. This is the closest they've been with no one in the room with them for a long time. Harry is next door in the other dressing room and the crew is outside. It's comfortable in a way that Liam had almost forgotten about.

Their laughter subsides and the air gets heavy as Louis leans more fully against Liam. He sighs happily. This isn't new. They're a touchy band, and no one really understands the concept of personal space, but it's always different for Liam when it's Louis. There's always more awareness, and it's even worse now when it's just the two of them.

“I'm sorry.” Louis' voice is barely audible, which isn't typical. Liam looks over at him, frowns because he doesn't understand what he's sorry for. “Sorry.” He ducks in and kisses Liam. Liam wants to push him away, but he _can't_. It's been so long, too long. Louis' lips feel right on his.

Liam's hand goes up to rest in Louis' hair, tugging a little. Louis makes a noise, a little whimper from his throat and Liam does it again because that sound is like a drug. He just wants to hear it again and again.

“Liam.” Louis sighs quietly. “I'm - “

“If you say sorry, I swear to God.” Liam can't _do_ this anymore. He pushes Louis back onto the floor, stretching on top of him and kisses him again, deeper and hotter, pulling away from his mouth to kiss his jaw and his neck. He pushes away every voice telling him how wrong this is and pushes at Louis' shirt until Louis lifts up just enough for him to get it off. He wants Louis. He _needs_ Louis, more than he ever has. It's been a long time.

He bites down on the soft skin on Louis' shoulder and Louis whimpers softly. Liam just needs to keep making that happen. He plants featherlight kisses down Louis' body, stopping now and then to bite down on the skin, just enough for Louis to feel it but not enough to leave any marks. 

It's been a long time since they've done this, but Liam can't help the waves of want that come over him. He tugs Louis' trousers and pants down and ducks in to press a kiss to the inside of Louis' thigh. He feels Louis' fingers slide into his hair and Louis tugs a little. Liam hums and sucks in a breath before he takes the head of Louis' cock into his mouth. He's done this a couple of times, but always sloppy and rushed, and he doesn't really have time to slow down now. Anyone could come bursting into the dressing room. 

He sucks lightly, flicking his tongue over Louis, causing Louis to whimper softly enough that Liam can tell he's holding back. He doesn't want to look at Louis because he would lose focus on what he's doing. He knows what Louis looks like when he's turned on, what he looks like when he's desperate and ready for it. Liam takes him down further, sliding his tongue along the underside of Louis' cock while he does it. Louis' hips buck just the tiniest bit and Liam likes that. He likes it so much that he feels his own cock twitch. 

He never thought he'd be the kind of person who got off on blowing another bloke, but right now he feels like he could. Louis feels thick and heavy on his tongue, and he tastes salty and distinctly Louis, and even though they've done this before it feels different this time. Louis tugs on his hair again, and Liam slides his lips up Louis' cock, until he's just got the head in his mouth.

He palms over Louis' balls and Louis' bucks his hips again, pushing up into Liam's mouth. Liam presses his hip down with his spare hand and hums over him. He takes Louis back down and then pulls back up, creating a rhythm in his movements. 

Louis presses his face into his arm and Liam hears him whimper into his own arm before he comes into Liam's mouth without warning. Liam isn't used to not knowing when Louis is going to come, and he's never swallowed before, but he does this time, swallows down as much as he can, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He moves up Louis' body to kiss him, wondering if Louis can taste himself on Liam's tongue. He hopes so.

Louis slides his hand into Liam's trousers, but just before he can get his hand around Liam's cock there's a knock on the door. “Louis? Lou are you still in there? Come on arsehole.” Liam takes his tone to mean that he’s found the texts that Louis meant to send before he came for his phone before.

Liam is going to kill Niall. Liam is going to kill Niall dead. Louis sighs and kisses Liam's jaw. “Right there, lad.” Louis shimmies out from under Liam and smoothes out his shirt and then pulls his trousers back up. Liam stands and turns so that Niall can't see how hard he is. He busies himself tidying up a table that isn't his to tidy. 

Louis ends up leaving with Niall, and Liam is left alone in the dressing room hating his entire life.

+

Liam didn't know Eleanor was coming out with them. It's fine. It's totally fine. Louis is allowed to have his girlfriend out with them, and they're nothing. The other night was a _fluke_. It was a long time coming, and it was just a thing. Something they needed to get out of their system. 

Eleanor is gorgeous and she's _nice_. She's nice to Liam, defends him when Louis is picking at him, and she can hold her own against Louis' pranking which is a must when someone is dating Louis Tomlinson.

Liam feels bad for making excuses to leave the room every time she's around. He tries to hang out with Zayn or Niall as much as possible. It's bad enough that he couldn't keep his hands to himself without her there, but Liam would never forgive himself if he slipped up and ruined things with El. Louis _likes_ her. Loves her. Liam is just a _thing_ , a mate that sometimes can't keep his hands to himself.

It's pure bad luck that Eleanor and Louis end up alone with Liam. Zayn's on the phone with his mum, and Niall and Harry have gone on one of their golfing outings. Liam is in the lounge watching Iron Man, when Eleanor and Louis pop back on the bus after shopping. They've got hotels – that's where they slept last night, but sometimes it's nice to just hang out on a tour bus. It feels like they're not part of this huge mania that they seem to have fallen into.

They love their fans, and they love their success, but sometimes it's nice to be removed from it a little.

Louis and Eleanor come onto the bus, and El smiles at Liam, waves at him like he hasn't been fucking her boyfriend for the last two years. Liam smiles and waves back, but he feels awkward. Being alone with Louis is bad enough. Being alone with Louis and his girlfriend makes him feel the weight of every terrible thing that he's done.

He also can’t help but feel jealous and angry that she so easily gets to be with Louis in a way that he never can. It’s not fair of him to feel possessive over someone else’s boyfriend, especially when he’s got Danielle waiting for him when he comes home. It’s just that the looks Louis gives Eleanor are the same looks Liam swears Louis gives him when they’re alone. He smiles wide and happy at her; his eyes crinkle at the edges. 

He feels even more guilty. 

Louis sits down next to him, splaying over him and grins. “Leeyum!” He pokes Liam's cheek and laughs.

“Hey, Lou. Good day?” Liam tries to look away from his face. His face is the worst part about him.

“Louis just spent way too much money on Iron Man memorabilia.” Eleanor sits down next to Louis and rests her head on his shoulder. She slips her hand into his, and smiles. “My boyfriend is so ridiculous.”

Louis grins and turns to kiss her. Liam's heart clenches. He shoots up, reaching in his pocket for his phone. “I'm going to call Danielle. I think she's got the day off.” He rushes out of the room before either of them can say anything, walking outside the bus and leaning against it. He really does want to call Danielle.

He taps on her name and lets it ring, but it goes to voicemail. That happens more often than not these days, but he tells himself it doesn't matter. He's not sure it ever really did. He goes home to her, and she's pretty and soft and he likes her, always likes her. He loves her.

“Hey babe, sorry I missed you. Call back when you can. Love you.” He hangs up the phone and wanders away from the bus. Anywhere but the bus.

+

Liam takes Danielle on holiday, and it's nice. It's nice to get away from the craziness and from Louis and from cameras. When she's there he remembers all the reasons he fell for her in the first place – her smile and her laugh and the way she wraps her full body around him when he fucks her – the way she feels underneath him. He loves the way she whispers his name, like it's not a shameful secret, like she believes in him and isn't trying to hide it.

It's almost too soon when they're back in London. He lets himself fall back into her. They're both off, both home, and it's so rare that he doesn't want to let it go. Most of his work for the next few months is in the UK, and it's a nice change of pace.

By the time she's ready to go back to work, he doesn't want her to go. It's her last day in town, and he wakes up first, spoons in behind her, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. He kisses her shoulder and tells himself that he could do this forever, could wake up next to her for the rest of his life and that would be okay.

He doesn't need Louis. He's fine without him, been fine without him for months. He's had Louis as a _mate_ and nothing more since that time Eleanor came out on tour. Sure, they're never alone together, but Liam is fine with that if it means he gets to keep this, gets to hold Danielle close.

But Danielle leaves because they both have the same lifestyle, and he has to deal with her leaving as much as she has to deal with him leaving. She rolls out of his arms and smiles back at him as she gets dressed, sighs when he tells her he doesn't want her to leave, says if anyone should understand it's him, and he knows that it's true. He stays in bed and watches her go, and as quickly as he remembered all the things he loves about her, he starts to forget.

+

They have a couple of photoshoots, and during the break Louis asks Liam to go out. He doesn't really expect the excursion to include bike riding, but it's nice. They go out just the two of them, and they're both vaguely aware of the cameras. Neither of them pay that much attention though.

It's nice. It's not about trying to keep their hands off each other. It's not about confused feelings or anything illicit. It's just Liam and one of his best mates, having a laugh. They return the bikes and walk back to the studio.

“You've been avoiding me again,” Louis says, after a long silence. “Doing a good job of it this time, too.” Louis clasps his hands together behind his back. “Stop, okay?”

“Lou,” Liam sighs. “We don't talk about it, and that's fine. I don't want to ask you or say anything. I just – we both know that the only time we don't fall on top of each other is when we aren't alone. So that's what I'm doing. I love Danielle. You love El. We can't keep fucking them over, and we can't – we just can't.” Liam feels like he's said all of this a million times. He can't keep saying it because he feels like he's less and less convincing every time. 

“Liam, I - “

“Whatever you're thinking, don't say it.” Liam stops walking and turns to face him. He's soft, quiet so that any passersby or lurking photographers can't hear him. “This isn't anything. Whatever keeps happening between us isn't _anything_. If it were we wouldn't keep Danielle and Eleanor stringing behind us, keeping us from – from whatever. We're mates, and we can hang out as mates, but everything else – it's done. This isn't just – I'm done just saying it and not meaning it. It's over.”

Louis doesn't say anything for a long time, and Liam is worried his going to storm off. That he's going to lose Louis for saying something that he himself doesn't even really believe, but when Louis finally speaks he says, “okay, yeah. Okay,” with a nod. “Lets get back to work.”

They go back to work, and it almost feels normal.

+

Vfest is sort of awkward in a way that Liam never expected. The four of them hang out a lot, but it's usually with other people around. There's a certain point where Danielle and Eleanor go in search of something and Liam and Louis are left sitting together in the grass. 

“This was a great idea, the four of us coming,” Louis grins. He rests his palms back behind him, and his fingers land on top of Liam's. Liam knows it was an accident, but he's also very very aware that Louis makes no move to change positions or move his hand. Liam thinks about all of the times he’s wanted to touch Louis so easily, like it was nothing, but he didn’t. He didn’t touch him on the beach in Australia, because he thought too much about it, and it would have made things harder, more complicated. He can’t imagine it’s less complicated now, with their girlfriends there, with people taking pictures all around them, but Louis doesn’t even seem to notice that he’s doing it. He should be tense, and he should pull away, but instead he relaxes. 

He turns towards Louis and grins. Louis' hair is sticking up in all directions in a calculated way. Liam can't help but stare. They haven't done anything remotely illicit in a long time, and it's good. It's been good, but sometimes Liam remembers what it used to be like, what it could have been like without all the lying and the secrets.

“What?” Louis grins a little. “Mate, you're staring.”

Liam shakes his head. “Nothing, sorry. Just a bit lost in thought is all.”

“You think too much,” Louis says. There's something behind it that Liam can't quite read. Louis drops his voice. “Do you ever wonder - “ He pauses and shakes his head. “Nevermind. No point dwelling on the past. You and Dani should come to mine after. We can have drinks.”

Liam wants to ask _what_ , wants to know if Louis ever thinks about them the way that Liam does, if he ever wonders what might have been. What _could_ have been, if they had just gotten their shit together.

“Sounds great. I'll ask Dani.”

Above them Eleanor clears her throat. “Are we interrupting something?” She laughs a little and sits down between Louis' legs, resting back against him. She hands him a beer and settles back against him. Liam feels a little pang when Louis moves his hand to rest it around Eleanor's hips. 

“Liam, something wrong?” Danielle knocks her shoulder against his and then settles against his side. “You don't look well.”

“I'm good.” He smiles and leans in to kiss her quickly. She smiles and leans into him, and it's nice. Being with Danielle is nice.

On their way out, Liam asks Danielle to come back with him to Louis'. She's got work in the morning, so she declines, but Liam heads over to Louis' after he drops her off at home. He goes to ring the doorbell and it opens before he can even properly press the button. Eleanor is standing there, tears falling down her face. She looks sad or angry or a mixture of both. Liam can't quite read it.

“I know about you and Louis,” she says, quietly. She's almost devoid of emotion. “She's my friend, and she's going to ask why I – so you need to tell her. Tell her before I do.”

“What - “ He wants to ask what she's talking about, wants to fight against it and tell her that it's over and she's won Louis and he wants Danielle. But all he can think is that Louis is _single_. All he can do is wonder what that means, if that means anything. 

“Don't, okay? It wasn't today. I've known for a while, but it's - “ She shakes her head. “Just tell her. I'll give you a little bit of time, but I'm not kidding. You can't fuck around on us like that for as long as you have been and expect not to get caught.” She doesn't wait for him to reply before practically running to her car.

Liam watches her drive off and then steps inside. “Lou?” He looks around. “Lou, are you here?”

“In here.” Louis calls out from the kitchen, and Liam follows the sound of his voice. Louis is making a drink. He holds one out to Liam. “Here.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Liam takes the drink and sets it down.

“What's there to talk about it? She figured us out, Liam. She didn't want a boyfriend who was shagging his bandmate. I told her it was over, but she didn't believe me.”

“We fucked up, Lou. It went on for a long time.” Liam knows that's not what he should be saying – he should be comforting and siding with Louis or vilifying Eleanor. But he can't blame her. They fucked up. They should never have done the things they did – or they should have left the girls out of it.

“Yeah, well.” Louis frowns and downs his drink, slamming the glass down. “It was over. It is over.” Louis leans over the counter and then looks at Liam with intensity that Liam hasn't felt in a while. “She said it was obvious today. That, like, something was happening. But it's over. It's been over.” 

“She said it was obvious?” Liam wants to know what about them makes it obvious. Is it _him_ that's obvious? Is it the way they look at each other? He doesn't think anything about Louis is obvious. Louis is prickly and confusing, and Liam often doesn't know where he stands.

Louis shrugs. He downs another drink and walks around to stand in front of Liam. “This is stupid.” Louis pushes Liam into a seat and steps between his legs. “She's right, and it's stupid, and we're stupid for stopping. It wasn't obvious when we were just doing what felt right, and now it's obvious because we're pretending like it's nothing.”

“We were cheating on our girlfriends.”

Louis laughs quietly. “Ever the practical one.” He pauses and then speaks softly. “I don't have a girlfriend anymore. I broke her. We broke her.” Louis twirls his fingers into the bottom of Liam's shirt. “I don't know if she was more angry or more hurt, and I hate that I did that to her.”

“But you did.” Liam is quiet, gentle in a way he's not sure either one of them deserves. “We both did. We knew better.”

“Did we?” Louis ducks in and kisses Liam. It's slow and soft at first, and then Louis nudges at Liam's bottom lip with his tongue. Liam opens to him quickly like he always does because now that Louis is standing against him he doesn't know how to resist him anymore. It's like all the time of pushing Louis away, of pretending these feelings didn't exist fades away as soon as Louis is touching him. “Liam.” Louis pushes at his shirt. 

Liam rests his hands against Louis' hips and lifts him up onto the counter easily. Louis isn't exactly weightless, but it's easy enough for Liam to lift him. Liam kisses him again, pressing his fingers deep into Louis' hips in a way that will probably leave little finger shaped bruises into the morning. There's something about knowing he can do that – about knowing that no one else will see, that Eleanor isn't there to care, that he likes. A voice in the back of his head tells him that he should feel guilty for being glad that Eleanor is gone, that he should be thinking about what he's going to say to Danielle, about trying to fix things with her instead of throwing away a relationship that's been really good for one that's been destructive and secretive.

Louis tugs at Liam's t-shirt and then ducks in to kiss the skin on his shoulders and his chest. 

Liam gets them both off with his hands around their cocks, frantically working at both of them, Louis' cock pressed against his hot and thick. He presses his forehead into Louis' neck and Louis nips at his shoulder. It feels different that it has before. Liam feels like maybe this is all supposed to mean something.

After they come, Liam carries Louis into the bedroom and drops him unceremoniously on the bed. They don't talk, but they kiss until they're both hard again and then Liam fucks him, Louis on his back eyes interlocked with Liam's. Liam laces their fingers together and squeezes his hand and it feels like _everything_ they've done up until this point has been leading to this very moment. 

Afterwards, Liam pulls Louis against him and wraps his arms tight around his waist. Louis is pressed against him, back against Liam's chest. Liam likes this, thinks about how he could do this for a long long time if Louis would let him. He could tell Danielle, tell her everything, tell her that he loves her and loves being with her but it's different with Louis. Maybe she'll understand and they can be friends. Maybe he'll completely destroy her the way Louis did Eleanor. Liam likes to think they'll be okay in his fantasies, even though he doesn't know if it works like that.

Liam closes his eyes and falls asleep, thinking about stolen kisses in dressing rooms and holding hands when the paparazzi isn't looking, thinking about what it would be like if this were normal instead of something shameful that they share when no one is looking. He thinks about how nice it would be if any of that were true, how nice it would be if he thought that when they woke up in the morning they could talk about making this _real_. He pretends that's not just wishful thinking because that's the only way he can sleep.

+

When he wakes up Louis is already up. Liam tugs his jeans on and heads down to the lounge where Louis is watching television. Liam sits down beside him, but tries not to push. He has no idea what kind of mood Louis is going to be in. Louis is the first to speak though. “So,” he says. He looks over at Liam and grins. “That was fun.”

“It's always fun,” Liam says. He tries to laugh but it comes out sort of awkward, and then the pause that follows is almost stiffling in it's own awkwardness. “I'm going to tell Danielle.” He rests his palms on his thighs, pressing them into his leg a little more roughly than necessary. “I think I need to tell her. I think maybe – I don't know.”

“Well, you should. El will tell her.” Louis bites at his thumbnail. “I'm sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? It was my choice as much as yours. It always has been.” Liam looks over to him. “Besides, maybe it's time. The lying, the sneaking around, the cheating, it's – it's all too much. I'm well beyond 'I can't do this anymore.'” He turns so that his full body is facing Louis. “We could – maybe we could - “

Louis laughs bitterly. “What? Be boyfriends? Come on, Liam. Don't be daft.”

“What's so daft about it? We've been sleeping together for two years.”

“It's just sex, Liam.” Louis bites his lip. “Don't be ridiculous. You know it's not like that. We're just having a bit of fun. It's just fun.” Liam feels like he's been punched in the gut. He's not sure why he thought Louis would be on his page. It's _never_ been about fun for him. It's been about need and this pull that Louis has on him that he can't deny. It's been torment and it's been _hard_ , but it hasn't been fun. “Don't look at me like that.” Louis snaps. “Don't act like an idiot, Liam. You know what this was. I'm going to go shower. You should go home and talk to Danielle.”

Louis gets up and goes into the bathroom, leaving Liam on the couch. He's sort of at a loss for words now, and he still needs to figure out what to say to Danielle.

+

Liam manages to convince himself that he and Danielle will be okay – that she'll cry but she'll ultimately be glad that he just told her the truth. It doesn't go like that at all. What happens is that Danielle cries, and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if he should hug her or hold her or help her pack the things she left behind. She calls him more names that he would have thought she knew. She tells him she never wants to see him again, that she can't believe she thought about spending her life with him. She tells him to lose her number and that she hopes he's happy with his _boyfriend_. She's angry, and she has every right to be, but Liam doesn't know how to deal with it.

Louis doesn't answer his phone calls.

Danielle isn't speaking to him.

Liam wants to kick himself and throw things and cry, but mostly he just calls Ruth and tells her everything and lets her come over and make him feel like he's not a terrible person.

It's easy to pretend for a while that everything is okay when they're doing press and promotional events. Danielle has left for tour, so no one questions her not being around. It's not bad until they start asking about girlfriends, anyway. He generally doesn't answer, lets Louis and Zayn field the questions or lets Harry and Niall make jokes about being single. Louis is better at deflection that he is, and he knows how to talk about his break up without showing any hint of depression. Liam doesn't know how to do that. 

Louis starts to relax around him after a while. He starts to goof off and act normal, tries to make jokes and make him feel better. Liam starts to relax too, but mostly because he stops blaming himself for his part in Louis and Eleanor breaking up. Louis doesn't seem affected by it in the same way that Liam is – maybe that's because he's better at faking it though; Liam's never been quite as good at hiding his emotions as Louis.

He pulls Liam aside after they do Chatty Man and tells him that he's done with avoiding Liam. It's strangely reminiscent of some of the conversations they had when they were sleeping together regularly. Louis always seems to be the one chasing, even though Liam's the one who doesn't pretend this is nothing.

Not that Liam knows that Louis is pretending, but it's easy to pretend sometimes that Louis feels the same way and he just doesn't know how to say it. It's a beautiful lie though, and Liam knows it. Louis just – well, he's Louis. That's one of the things Liam likes about him.

“Can we just, like, hang out tomorrow?” Louis sighs. “Just watch a movie or go for a meal or something? I miss you.”

Liam bites his lip. He can't resist Louis, even if he wants to. He kind of hates himself for it. “Okay. But we can't – we just can't. Either we need to stop, or we need to move beyond. Beyond whatever. But we need to stop.”

“I don't – why did you break up with Danielle?”

“Well, I was going to break up with her for you, but you're kind of a dick, so then I wasn't going to break up with her at all. I was going to come clean, so I did that, and she dumped me. Not that I blame her. We fucked up. We fucked up with them, and we fucked up with us.”

“It was all a mistake,” Louis says, quietly. “From that very first time I kissed you, it was all a fucking mistake.” He sounds bitter and angry. “Forget – forget everything. I'll see you at work.” It's cold and detached in a way Louis hasn't been with him since the very beginning, since they hated each other and didn't know how to deal with it.

“Yeah,” Liam says. “A mistake.” He nods, but Louis has already spun on his heels and walked away. Liam feels empty.

+

By the time they fly to America for Madison Square Garden Louis almost feels like a stranger. He and Zayn have been hiding out a lot together, and Liam finds himself getting jealous of their friendship. He misses Louis and he misses Zayn. He misses the five of them hanging out and being brothers and best friends. Ever since everything blew up in Liam's face it's been like grasping at straws. He's unhappy and snappish and he knows it. They're all tired.

Christmas can't come fast enough. Liam needs a break.

He's standing in the lobby with Ruth when he sees them. Eleanor and Danielle walk in together, arm in arm, and Danielle is laughing at something Eleanor said. She's bright, and she's gorgeous, and Liam misses her.

Or he misses having someone.

Sometimes he doesn't even know if he loved her or loved having her. Everything is confusing, and he just wants everything to be the way that it was before all of this.

“Dani?” He calls out, and he doesn't even know why. He should let her go about her business. She came because she had the ticket to New York, and he knows that. Eleanor glares at him, but Danielle smiles softly and walks over to give him a tight hug. “Dani, hey.” He hugs her tight and breathes her in. She's familiar, comfortable. He needs something like that right now.

“Hey, Liam.” She hugs him back, and he feels _safe_. He knows it's stupid because they broke up because _he_ cheated and he loved someone else, but she feels like home in a way that he needs right now. 

“I'll just go up to the room.” Eleanor rests her hand on Danielle's shoulder and then gives Liam a look at that tells him to back off now, but she leaves them alone all the same. Eleanor has every right to hate him, so he can't blame her. 

“What are you doing here?” Liam looks down at his feet. He doest deserve to have her in front of him like this.

“We already had the plane tickets, and we knew it was a risk coming here when you guys would – but you know, we thought, New York City is huge, and we both needed a weekend away from everything. Didn't realize we'd choose the same hotel.” She looks like she could mentally kick fate for making this happen. “Look, Liam, I - “

“It's over,” he says, softly. “Everything between Louis and me. I know it was a huge mistake, and I'm sorry it happened.” He pauses. “Can we have dinner? While we're here. I know I don't deserve it, don't deserve you, but it's just dinner.”

She sighs. “Yeah, yeah, we can do that.” He wonders what's going on in her head, and if she misses him. He wants to ask her, but he's not sure he has the right. “Just text me, okay? I need to go.” 

Liam nods. “Definitely. I'll – yeah, I'll text you.”

Danielle nods and hugs him again before heading upstairs. Liam thinks he should feel better but he just feels heavy and tired. Danielle is giving him a chance that he doesn't deserve, and he feels like that should change something. It doesn't change anything.

+

Liam and Danielle are happy again.

That's what Liam keeps telling himself when he's back on tour and Louis is in his face every day. Though, in his face is maybe an overstatement because Louis is more huddling in the corner with Zayn and doing anything and everything to avoid Liam. Liam's not _jealous_ of Zayn. He could never be. He's glad Louis is happy, in any case, even if that happiness is contingent on pretending Liam doesn't exist unless they're on stage or in front of a camera. 

He's glad they're still in the UK for a while because it means he can still see Danielle some days and if he wants to call her and get away from things he doesn't have to hurt his brain trying to figure out the timezones and if she'll be awake or at rehearsals or something. 

They have a couple of days off between Belfast and Manchester, and he goes back home. Danielle stays at his flat, and on a whim they decide to get a puppy. Liam isn't sure they can call it a whim since they had been talking about it before they broke up the first time, but things seem less tentative now. They're talking about things like moving in together (when they're both in the UK), and everything is good. It's good.

He spends the day with Danielle and Loki, and then she comes with him to Manchester, along with their new puppy. Niall is instantly taken with Loki, and Loki is instantly taken with Niall's bunk.

“She's cute,” Louis steps up beside him, looking at Danielle and Loki across the room. “Loki, I mean. She's cute. She's very you.” 

Liam doesn’t bother to correct Louis by telling him Loki is a boy. He’s almost positive Louis already knows and he’s purposefully being vague. Liam was there when Louis cried over Tony Stark’s near death experience. Louis knows Loki is a boy.

“Danielle, too.” Liam nods. It's awkward because Louis has spent a lot of time not talking to him unless he had to for a while now. He'll play it up sometimes, when Morgan and Ben and the cameras are around, and he still runs around poking at Liam on stage and during interviews. They avoid anything that requires them being alone together.

Liam has tried to convince himself it's just them getting over each other. They were never really together, but what happened to them felt real, and their split hurt like it was real.

“Yeah.” Louis' mouth is a tight, thin line. He looks good. He always looks good, but there's something different. “I'm glad you're happy. I know I've been – whatever, and I know I was a knob before, but I am glad you're happy. That she makes you happy.” Liam can't quite place the tone of Louis' voice. He doesn't sound glad. “I was a knob.”

“You said that.” Liam clears his throat. “You already said that.” 

Danielle looks up then, and the expression on her face is blank. She looks from Liam to Louis and then back again and then looks back down to scratch at Loki's belly, but the tone in her voice has changed despite her smile, the square of her shoulders more defensive than before.

“I know.” Louis nods. “Still.” He reaches over and tweaks Liam's nipple and Liam jumps and yelps at the contact. Louis hasn't touched him in months. “I was a knob, and I miss you. I mean, not just – but as a friend.”

“Oh.” Liam doesn't know why he's surprised to hear that, but he is. He also isn't sure being friends with Louis is something he can do. He tries to think back to a time before they were sleeping together when he would have considered them friends, and he's not sure that exists. Before they were always picking at each other and goading each other into fights, and then they were sleeping together and Liam would very gladly admit that they were dating, albeit secretly, but they weren't _friends_. “Were we ever though? Friends I mean.” He doesn't mean to come out and ask that, but it's in his head now.

“What? Of course we - “ Louis frowns. “We were friends. I thought we were friends.”

“Would we have ever been friends if I had told you to back off with the kissing and the – you hated me before. At least, you avoided me. If we hadn't been sleeping together, was that likely to have changed?”

“I - “ Louis frowns. “I was - “ Louis steps in front of Liam and looks him right in the eye. “I wasn't _avoiding_ you. Well, I was but – it doesn't matter, okay. I wasn't trying to make you feel like I hated you.”

“Well you did.” Liam sighs. “My girlfriend is here, and I'm not doing this again, okay? So just – just.” He deflates. “Just leave me alone, Louis. Please. I can't do this with you anymore.”

He doesn't stay to see Louis' face. He walks right past him and goes to sit with Danielle and Loki, and he doesn't look up until he hears Louis walk out. It was over. Everything with Louis was over months ago, and he was over it.

So why does he feel like he just lost Louis all over again?

+

Danielle goes on tour and Liam can't remember who it's with this time, but he's happy for her. He is. It just keeps her busy and they don't really talk often anymore.

He's sitting in the back of the bus, jotting down something he's been thinking about – they've been talking about the next album and how they want to take creative control, so Liam's been taking down notes when he has ideas.

Louis comes in and sits down next to him. “So, I'm sorry – for everything, I mean. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have been so – ever.” Liam doesn't know what he means, but he doesn't stop to ask Louis to explain either. “You were my friend – for a long time you were my _best_ friend, and I know I went and fucked that up by fucking with your head and I'm sorry.” He pauses. “I thought maybe – I wrote this thing and I wondered if maybe you wanted to look at it.”

Liam doesn't have a clue why Louis is coming to him with this. He takes Louis' notebook anyway and looks over the lyrics. They're good – amazing, actually, and Liam isn't sure what he can add to it that would make it better.

“I'm sort of stuck around the verses.” Louis leans into Liam the tiniest bit to point out a line. “I don't know. It's not very good.” Liam knows how Louis feels sometimes – that he feels inadequate and like everyone else is better because his voice isn't insanely powerful and he can't hit the same notes as Zayn or Liam. He knows that Louis has struggled since the beginning when people constantly made jokes about him being unnecessary.

“This is absolutely very good, Lou.” Liam jots a line down above the chorus. “It's very very good. You're very good.” Liam thinks he sees Louis blush, but he ignores it, pushes down the fluttery feeling in his belly because he loves Danielle and he's not going down this road again.

“Will you help me with it? I don't want to show the others yet. I just – I knew you wouldn't laugh if it was awful.”

“It's not awful.” Liam is filled with fondness. He's filled with fondness and love and all sort of other things he thought he was finished feeling for Louis. 

He can't do this again. He won't.

“I have a couple more if you – and I have some ideas that I thought maybe you and I could work on together. I – please?”

“Yeah, okay. Yes.” He can't tell Louis no. He's never been able to tell Louis no, and he's thinking that's always been his real problem.

+

“I don't think it's going to work.” Danielle's voice is soft and tinny down the line of the phone. “It's not - “ He doesn't find out what it's not because she changes the subject quickly. “I thought I could see past everything, but I know you're there with him.”

“But I'm not – we don't even – Dani, there's nothing going on between us.” He doesn't mention the songwriting. That's work. That doesn't mean anything.

“But there was, Liam. The entire time we were together before, you were sleeping with him and going on dates, and you were – I know you were in love with him.” He doesn't try to argue the point. “And I took you back because I love you, and I thought I could see past it, and when we were together it was fine, but it's not – it's just way too much. I don't want to get hurt again.”

“Dani, I won't - “ and then he stops because he knows he can't promise her that. He knows that everything between them has felt different this time, that he's felt like he was grasping at straws trying to make everything seem normal and okay. “What about Loki?”

“Your sister has him.” She's quieter than he's ever heard her. “You can – I'll see him when I can, and I'll keep him when I'm home and you're not, but he's yours. Mostly, he's yours.” Danielle is crying and he knows it. He also knows that even though she's breaking up with him this time, he's the one who broke her heart. He doesn't feel like he has the right to beg her not to do this or to wait until they can see each other again.

“Dani – I - “ he drops his voice. “I'm sorry.” There's nothing else he can say, not really.

“Me too.” The line clicks off and he's left looking at an empty phone. He doesn't know what to do now, so he walks to the back lounge. Morgan corners him and asks if he wants to shoot some interview for the film, and he doesn't, not really, but he can't sleep and he can't think of a good excuse to say no.

He ends up talking about wanting someone who likes him for him and not knowing when he can trust people. He doesn't mention that he's lost everything because he gave Danielle a reason not to trust him. He ignores the fact that up to this point he's found two people who like him for him, but he broke one of them beyond repair and the other was a lost cause before Liam even realized he was in love.

+

“Dani broke up with me,” Liam says, leaning into Louis. They're a little drunk on whatever they could find in the hotel minibar and they've been jotting down whatever comes to mind. Louis thought of _I love KFC_ , and at the time it sounded brilliant enough to write a song around it. There was a lull, and Liam didn't know what else to say.

“Oh.” Louis shifts next to him, straightens up. “Why?”

“She can't trust me. Why should she? I spent our entire relationship fucking you behind her back.” He scratches at the back of his neck. “Sorry. I – Sorry. But it's true. What we did was wrong, and I deserve to be dumped.”

“Oh, yeah.” Louis shifts again, and when Liam looks up he's staring back at Liam with an unreadable expression. “I'm sorry.”

“Me too,” Liam says. “It's okay, though. I'm okay. I'm probably more okay than I should be. I feel like I should be crying or writing songs about missing the smell of her hair and the taste of her lips or something like that, but mostly I'm just sad that I'm alone.” And Liam thinks maybe that sums up why he had wanted Danielle back to begin with.

Liam is starting to realize that he's kind of an awful person.

“You're not alone – or I mean. You don't have to be.” Louis mumbles, but it's loud enough that Liam can make out what he's saying. 

“Lou, do you really think that's a good idea? We fucked a lot up the last time. What if - “

“We both had girlfriends the last time, and the last time I was trying really hard not to – not to be in love with you, but that's stupid, and I am.”

Liam's heart pounds heavy in his chest, and he feels like his lungs are going to explode. “You are what?”

“You know what.” Louis mumbles again. “I was an idiot before. Even when Eleanor left and Danielle left and I could have had you I – I was scared. Like, of fucking up the band, and of admitting I wanted more and losing it. I was so fucking stupid, Liam.”

“Yeah, you were. I still want to hear it before I make up my mind.” The thing is, Liam knows that if Louis can't even say the words, they'll never get anywhere.

“I love you, okay? I fucking love you.” He grabs Liam by the shirt and pushes in and kisses him hard and desperate, and Liam can't help but wraps his arms around Louis and kiss him back. They haven't done this in so long, but it still feels the same. Louis' body feels the same against his and his arms wrap around Louis the same way. 

Louis crawls into his lap, his knees braced on either side of Liam's body. “We can do this. We can do this the right way. We can – we can.”

“For real?” Liam asks because it's important. It's important that this isn't because they're both lonely and sad and a little drunk on minibar vodka. “Because I can't - “

Louis kisses him again, sliding a hand up Liam's t-shirt. “For real. For real, Liam. Like, to actually tell our friends and maybe even our families and to not just have quick, sloppy handjobs in dressing rooms. To not be each other's dirty little secret when we're both in relationships with other people.”

“Lou, I -” Liam doesn't know where he's going, so he just stops and leans in to kiss Louis again.

The sex is different this time. There's no girlfriends, no reasons to pretend it doesn't mean what it does. After they fall asleep together, curled up in each other. Liam thinks he could do this every day for a very long time, and now it might actually happen.

+

The next day Liam wakes up and Louis is sleeping next to him. This is the first time that Liam has woken up with some hope that Louis might stay through the morning. He wakes up and stretches and then tweets a good morning because it _is_ a good morning. He thinks about snapping a picture of Louis sleeping and tweeting it out – no one would think it was weird, really, because they take pictures of each other in various forms of undress and awakeness at all times, but he decides that this is his Louis and he wants to keep it for himself. He does set about making tea, even though this hotel doesn't have a proper kettle.

He puts Louis' down on the table beside his side of the bed and answers some fans on twitter. The news about Danielle and him has hit the internet, so he's ignoring those questions, not wanting to talk about the break up, despite being happy with where things have ended up.

Paul calls about half an hour later and he pokes Louis until Louis wakes up. He looks sleepy and innocent and Liam just smiles at him. “Drink your tea. We have an interview in like an hour, so we need to get dressed and go down to the car.”

Louis groans and sits up. “So.” He finally nods and then looks at Liam with a blinding smile. “Last night happened.”

“Last night happened.” Liam nods, reaching out to tug lightly on Louis' hair. He likes Louis' hair. 

“Does this mean you're uhm. Or well, that I'm your -” he shrugs. “Boyfriend, I guess.”

Liam laughs. “I think it does. Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay,” Louis nods. “Good, that's good.”

“Hey.” Liam puts his tea aside and then kneels over Louis. “Don't freak out on me now.” He puts his fingers on Louis' cheek and ducks in to kiss him. “It's not like we have to have a coming out party or anything. We don't have to tell anyone. Well, maybe the guys should know, and I'd quite like to tell my mum and sisters. But like, the fans and stuff.”

“Good. I mean not that – I just don't think I'm ready for that. Not after everything with Harry, and we were never even really together.”

“I know.” Liam kisses him again. “I know, babe. This is good though. Just our friends, yeah?”

Louis nods a little. “We should get dressed.” He slides away from Liam, and Liam sighs a little. “Liam, don't do that. Don't get all serious. I'm getting dressed. I'm not being weird.”

“You're being a little weird.” Liam steps behind him and rests his hand on Louis' back. “Just don't do that okay? You need to talk to me now. That's how everything got all fucked up the last time – well, not the only reason but part of it.”

“There's nothing, okay. I mean it.” He turns into Liam and kisses him quickly, and then laces their fingers together. “Let's go, yeah?” He squeezes Liam's hand. “We can buy everyone breakfast and laugh at their faces when we tell them we're dating.”

Liam thinks maybe everything isn't okay, not perfectly okay, anyway. He knows that Louis is still prickly about a lot of things, but he also knows that's not likely to change any time soon. That's just part of who Louis is. He also knows that he loves Louis, all of Louis, the prickly, confusing, sometimes mess that he is. He lets go of Louis' hand in favor of resting his hand on Louis' lower back. “Yeah, lets go.” He smiles and kisses the corner of Louis' mouth.

No, he doesn't believe Louis when Louis says there's nothing that needs to be said, but he also knows that he isn't going to push Louis into saying anything right now. They've got plenty of time to deal with whatever comes at them, and Liam is willing to be patient and let Louis avoid it until it becomes a problem.

But then, Louis has always known how to get his way with Liam. Liam figures he probably always will.


End file.
